I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. And I understand many of your points. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Why not? Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? Person A: Hi, how are you? Vulgarity from a total stranger is an instant turnoff. 2. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. k. Yes, I think theres a fairly clear difference between people who ask as small talk (for example, when youre both waiting for the microwave in the staffroom, or waiting at the bus stop after work) and when its done how LW specifies. Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. 1. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. and get back to work.) As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. It is trickery and so frustrating. I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. My ILs do this. It was glorious. Make up a lease and sign it. She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. Some other commenters have pointed out that sometimes people use this question as an conversation opener or in order to seem polite while they actually want to tell about their own plans. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! This applies in other areas of life too. Were having a party. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. Whaaaaaat. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). In fact there the joke of cant do that, I have to.. (silly excuse of having plans like go wash my hair) that day illustrating that sometimes the white lie of making up plans is an easy way to get out of doing something. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. Yeah, I do the same. 96 views, 2 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 2 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from J.Cano: Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). Thats thats exactly what makes it a microagression. They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. I, personally, like to ask what are you doing this weekend, something fun? when small-talking with my co-workers and friends, and I also hate this question with a passion when its a step to an actual invitation (two very different things!). You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. And then you get people who let it go there and people who keep fishing (where are your parents from? etc etc because they think its impolite to ask WHAT are you, but they really really want to know, so they know what stereotypes to assign you, as you said, or even because theyre just curious, like youre an object). If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. Because it's funny when friends say they'd only run in chased and we know that's perfect because we could run longer. What you are currently doing. Our college was selling cheap tickets for an outdoor ice skating event. Also I have learned to give hard noes. Why do people ask? 2. Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. But its also true I can (usually) reorganize my schedule enough to accommodate plans I want to attend. Not always). This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? If you dont want to go, just say so. I still have the same question of why do this? I think thats why it can sometimes be difficult to answer? Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. I do have friends who have trouble planning things for various reasons and often say things like I miss you or We should hang out more without doing anything to make it happen. My blood pressure. I dont have strong preferences but I do get hangry, so Ive learned to step up and be the Designated Control Freak. I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. Or why do I feel entitled to her presence and her company? Rock on, Helen. This one is a bit tricky for me. I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. Then we give a quick heads up to each other in the event that the person asking (such as mother-in-laws) will then turn right around and call spouse. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. (Seriously? It can often be an explain why youre a POC kind of thing in many countries with white majorities, and seen as a whole (its a super widespread phenomenon) it shows how far away our societies are from truly accepting themselves are diverse. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. Nothing very interesting. I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? Giving my notebook a bath. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? Ah. but I agreeparents of adult children (Hell, parents of NOT adult children) need to be more respectful of their childrens time and energy. If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. No, seriously, TheDukeDevlin has the correct answer. Theres still room for her to refuse. 2. 7. That question from certain people stresses me too! There was a bit at first, and SHE had some learning to do in terms of how she reacted (example: her dad said, Were going over to Grandmas tonight, and she started to blow up at us about making plans for her. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. No, that is a very bad script with pushy family connections. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. I felt really connected to LW upon reading the letter! But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. Me: Nope. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. 22. Im planning an event on Day, are you free? These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. And Im sorry for that. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. These are my 2 best friends for over 20 years each! Theyre private and you dont need to know them. You have attached a new question to an old thread. picked up a shift right off the bat. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. For an acquaintance, depends. Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. What are you doing this weekend? Just how I like it :). I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. Its only a trap when the same people use it repeatedly to rope you in to doing something you would otherwise be able to avoid gracefully. To the point she gets fallout for being unhelpful if she doesnt do it? Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. Because people look forward to the weekend, they often start talking about it as early as Wednesday. I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). That sounds weird coming from you. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. Maybe if the stress was a bit different? But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). My mum likes to do similar things, trying to out me on the spot and pressure me to agree to things when Im on the phone to her. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. Me: yes! or no, sorry. Nothing special. Theyre so nice and interested, they cant possibly be racist/microaggressive! See also, sometimes when someone is rude or difficult, I will pretend they said something nice or appropriate and respond with a total non-sequitur. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. 1. Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. Tomorrow is the weekend! This meme will hilarious remind them. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. Published April 10, 2020 "How are you doing right now?" That's the question I've been defaulting to on the phone, over text, and over Zoom chats during this time of ballooning,. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? . Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. I shall think on why. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) Is everyone busy? Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that.
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