I am engaged to a widower of nearly 5 years, we have been engaged for 4 months and dating seriously for 14 months. 1. Wow . Important items pictures. But I dont think you are being demanding by wanting him to clarify his words and actions since they dont seem to be in line with what he has said and done in the past. I have met the man Ive been waiting for all of my life. I dont know. I agree with your Widower that you usually know when youve found the one or the next one. It seems though that the real issues might not be his feelings about his late wife (which are normal and perhaps he doesnt realize that) but his fears that he is going to die young and his hesitancy to marry because he feels his time is short (he might be worried about widowing you). And at some point, you are going to need to have a conversation. And it is equally just as likely that this has nothing to do with her lack of sexual initiating and your being more outgoing style. What suited the LW just fine doesnt work for you. These things, I believe, must be done on the widowers timeline when they are ready. . He is accusing me of making him live out of a suitcase. before dating again, but once you find that you can get through the day without weeping over the loss of your spouse or fixating most of your time and energy on mourning, you may be ready to date again. Two years is not a long time in terms of loss. I dont think being the secret significant other is healthy for any of the involved partners. I had to let it. She would not have even given her a wedding card if I had not bought an extra one and thrust it upon her to write. Does he realize how unsettling his request is to you? Hi, I found your blog and like it very much. His response will likely give you the info you need to decide what is best for you. I bought into the Cosmo Girls credo that if I was patient and quiet about my own needs, someone would eventually note that. If you havent checked out the Dating a Widower group on FB, I recommend it. Dating A Widow Can Be Challenging For Both Parties Schedule An Online Couples Therapy Session. Its possible but in your situation, I kind of doubt it. NOT ONE SINGLE THING. Hopeless romantic. A lot of them are good loving, devoted men, for the God damned dead bitch and no one else. Hes never lived with anyone though. She is who she is and would be regardless of your presence or her dads assistance. Good luck to you & all the best.hopefully the best to me too . My husband and I only rarely talked about our late spouses after we became a couple. Learn! Ultimately though if this is a real issue for you, a conversation or two needs to be had. Up until the end of July, he talked about myself and my son moving in with him. Yes, the latter is mostly women but all of them have the same issue you do and the site is fairly active and closed, so no one who isnt a member can read the conversations. However, these types of conversations sometimes lead to the end of relationships/friendships. He is an old flame with a keen interest. Definitely a Uniqe situation, and its not for the weak or someone who is easily jealous. I expect that you treat this relationship just like any other. Yes, a younger man falling in love with an older lady is more common than many people believe. Actor Pierce Brosnan, 63, married American journalist Keely Shaye Smith, 53, 10 years after his late wife, Cassandra Harris, lost her battle with ovarian cancer. They were married for 16 years and she passed from breast cancer. Or when you are back and settled in ask him out on a date and make it clear that it is a date and see what his reaction is. I know he loves me and truly believe he does. My boyfriend & I are parting as dear, dear friends. Perhaps your boyfriend just doesnt understand how his avatar is possibly telling people things about him and his relationship with you that simply isnt true and how hurtful that can be. Tell him how you feel and what you expect. The comment that your W made to you about his house. While the love for your late partner may be as strong as it ever was, it's important to recognise the potential of entering into a new relationship. She is sabotaging her own happiness with you, as you rightly say. It could be as he says he got out of the habit and has developed an anxiety issue that is the realculprit and maybe treating it specifically is what is called for. All I know is that he is a planner, and does have his own timeframes for the things he does. I feel that if we are talking marriage, it should come down now. He keeps telling me that he is still in love with his late wife. She is the mother, she needs to put a stop to this inappropriate, emotionally harmful behavior. It doesnt have to be breaking up or ultimatum time-lines. He is so caring. But because of that I am not throwing all in. And still shelly does nothing to the point of shes loosing me.. "They will never forget her, and you shouldn't want them to, but that doesn't mean she has to be discussed daily or that her mementos and photos adorn every wall in the house," Annie says. And really, most widowed people who date and remarry do not find the process to be traumatic nor do their partners. "If you do encounter a difficult time from his friends and family, have patience hopefully they will come around," Annie says. Its not messing up to want a relationship to work out or to give it time and space to do so. Until there is a firm commitment or understanding at least, you should keep your interests foremost. I really dont think most widowed set out to hurt people romantically. You are likely to still be grieving the, , but you may struggle with loneliness and desire an, Finding Out If I Am Ready To Date Again Quiz, 3 Signs you are ready for a relationship after being widowed, In that case, you may not be ready to date, but if youve spent some time alone and found happiness. Although you dont give specifics, it sounds based on the information about your girlfriend, her children and her late husbands family and friends, that his death was traumatic. What should i do Thank you so much in advance We had a long courtship without It hurt crazy because I knew and he would often say he would never find another woman like me who was so supportive, understanding, good with his children, beautiful and intelligent. He told me the minute I move in and we are engaged that everything comes down and put away. This is just one of the most obvious signs that you may witness. This lady was in hard shape in her last year. I loved her, I still do. She just doesnt have her mother to keep her in line and its clear that your W doesnt have the stomach for it. Everything her sister has ever had she always wants. Closure is really something you give yourself when you decide its okay to let go. All whom over this last year have all come up to me and said when can you and mom get married all I want is another day, I want to call you my dad. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is what is leaping out at me. Neither one of us set out to date again so the whole thing took us by storm and we have figured it out as we went along. Youre a grown woman and this is your life. I am his 3rd girlfriend since his wife died and Just six months after the death of her beloved husband, Jayne was already seeing a new man. I just want him happy and we have such a good time together. Like your only source of water, like the precious seeds you would harvest after each growing season.we would let nothing contaminate it, stunt it, influence its growth. Do you think the well you drew from in the past is the same as what you draw from now? It took me 15 months to change my profile pic of me and my best friend of 40+ years due to her untimely death recently so I know its not an easy thing to do. At 14months, things can still be kinda raw and its still easy to get caught up in the past on anniversaries. From her point of view, hes a rat. I know he wont or is unwilling to change he is now enjoying his freedom. This one appears not to be working for you but only you can do decide if that means changing things or moving on. Such a lady realizes how cool it is to have a joint household, get a puppy. It was the thought of being excluded as a wife to him that threw me for a loop and made me feel not good enough. We are stunned by the amount of wood they used. I would ask her are you sure youre ready for a relationship. Five years ago a drunk driver killed my wife. Its hard, though, to let them. My only child has schizophrenia and thanks to surgery she will never have children. 5. Being able to really trust and talk is so important and it sounds like you two have that. Maybe its time for a detour., The choices you make from this day forward will lead you, step by step, to the future you deserve. Some of the things he has told me about her has me to where I really dont like her. I know that teenage and young adult children often are ambivalent or resistant (or hostile) about widowed parents dating/marrying again. Here is my situation.. About a year ago I meet a the women that I am now engaged too. I was devastated. It sounds selfish I know but it makes me feel not good enough. And the second is that his daughter is calling the shots, which at forty years of age means shes been doing this all her life and is unlikely to stop anytime soon. My love. Are you happy? Not always but often. Grieving isnt a couples activity. Oh, and thanks for your thoughts with me and those you present on your site. I do not feel chosen as he decide to stay with his wife without even declaring any intentions of being with me at that time. But I also know that we will make it. I can honestly say that I am very happy and grateful to have met Bob. I have been there for her fiancee since the day she left us. Only a new love of equal or greater intensity is going to change this. The state of falling in love with someone in a dream may indicate that the dreamer is ready to clear his/her egos. he compared me to her and said that we were a lot alike but I dont think so! Thats all I thought back then, but now that I find myself in the corner I am reaching out. But heres the thing, you are both in this relationship. Ensure that your new partner will be able to handle the fact that youve been married before and will continue to love your former spouse. I was 23 and he was 44. In the meantime, dont take his behavior personally. Yes, I have admit to myself, that I was looking for a companionship, someone to listen to my painful stories and finally for a sex. im sorry. By all means, continue this relationship if it makes you happy but you dont sound happy. Never issue empty threats. But thats just speculation. I am not settling for him and I have no restrictions on our future together. Only you can decide. Hes since outlived two girlfriends and his current relationship is well over a dozen yrs along. I would also recommend Abels site and the message board he runs on Facebook, which is private and made up of current/ex girlfriends and wives of widowers. Nothing good comes from this train of thought. And remember that words are just that unless they are backed up with actions. How his hot/cold attention is hurting you? It seems contradictory to be married to another person yet want the balance of the future with me. Chief commitment to daughter not to me. 11 year olds seldom give back power that their parents cede to them. Neither of you should have to settle for a relationship that you arent comfortable with nor should you want the other to do that. Mostly, in my opinion, because the late spouses didnt belong in our relationship and were personal matters we needed to handle on our own. If the pics bothered you or prompted questions you should have just asked. I was desperately trying to protect my heart, to shield it from any possibility of pain, and in the process, from love and happiness too. A man who loves and wants you in his life will move mountains across oceans to make sure that you stay and are happy. Its difficult for widowed people to understand that their non-widowed new loves take issue with this duality of feelings thing but it doesnt surprise me at all that actively promoting/engaging in a real living relationship will inevitably clash with trying to perpetuate a relationship with your late spouse at the same time. If it helps, 2ish years is still pretty raw for young adult kids but this does change. Our relationship is all Ive ever wanted and he is always respectful and affectionate. Think. But could she be relied upon to pay a mortgage? 25 of them married. He has some small personal items and momentos, and a plastic storage container with clothes that his daughter is supposed to take. Do i take the plunge and if it works, thank goodness and if it doesnt..i get hurt and go back to where i belong.that is 8 hours away? I married his after my husband passed.. If he says he loves you and acts like he loves you, he loves you. Thank you so much for your comments. Unless you talk with him, ask whats going on and state what you want/need, what you have is unlikely to change. So awhile ago I attend some counseling sessions with her. I dont know how long your guy was married or how young he might have been when he married, but its hard to completely factor out someone who grew up with you so to speak. 3 month drunk they said until I came alongshould i give him his time and if yes, how long, he is a gem and worth the wait, i just dont want to get hurt all over againthank you for any insight you can give me.. Should you give him time? Ann you were so right I think he wanted to walk out clean. And I think I will need some counselling, which I hate to think of. While I am on the subject of generalizations, I tend to err on them when writing about widowhood dating because a broad net covers more people and its impossible to hit on all the possible scenarios unless someone shares their example via a comment. Thank you so much for advice. He went thru good days and really bad days, and let me tell you there were more bad days than good days, and I was there through it all. Im honestly hoping space will help him realize we are meant to be together but time will tell I guess. This means that for a successful first relationship after being widowed, you will need to have an honest conversation and ensure that your new partner will be able to cope with your lingering feelings toward your former spouse. Everything on the table with the goal of coming up with a plan that is mutually agreeable. One truly made in heaven. Looked like life had blown right by him. He said that I am everything he has ever wanted and more in a woman. Does he act like he loves you? Rather it is the food of the other love. Fast fowarding..I left that job we lost touch and 3 years late I find him on the internet. Your characterization of the statement a profile picture sends to the world was exactly what my logic was. Hi. And even when a widow or widower is open to another romantic partnership, that doesn't mean the deceased spouse has been forgotten. My husband and his LW were teens when they met and they married very young. As with any new relationship, protect yourself by taking things slowly and, if possible, discuss the ups and downs with friends who have experienced a similar situation. He doesnt have a very close relationship with his own family and never talked to his friends about his problems, but he told me about some things about his marriage. I think you know what you need to do. She has dont nothing on her own to put her future first and when she has it has been at the expense of my tears. Do I move on.When I said to him I loved him he did not reply.When I pushed a bit more he said he did not know how he felt. The blog Narcissists Suck is the most useful source. And you know, you can always tackle this again in the New Year when you are making resolutions (I dont personally but a lot of people do). The children are 10, 9, 7. You'll start receiving the latest news, benefits, events, and programs related to AARP's mission to empower people to choose how they live as they age. 14. He was married for 27 years. I didnt get any of this she said she was read to move on wanted a new life free from these things and was doing nothing about it until arguments broke out. Over time as you build if you choose to your own marriage and history together, you will become his reference point. I was very uncomfortable in this house, all along. We have been doing this long distance thing our whole relationship. Do you think I should just cool my jets and let more time pass? Theres also a horrid first wife, divorced thirty years ago. I also had to endure various pics of her all over his house, including a wedding picture in the bedroom. around 3 a.m. I come from a family where the word Love was not an everyday commonly used expression of our feelings, because we didnt discuss our feelings openly as a family. We courted for a few months but there were somethings that were coming up. Too many lose time and opportunities waiting on other people to decide they are worthy. Because there have been questions about this here recently, my husband and I have discussed this (again and bearing in mind weve been married over eight years now) and he still thinks its odd for me to have been unsettled by photos (and there were few). However, there is one thing you might ask yourself, Will I be okay no regrets if after putting in the time and effort, things dont work out and we dont end up together?. I learned from watching my father that it takes a great deal of understanding, but it also takes some firmness.I have yet to display the firmness. Dont worry so much about him. I have fallen head over heels over him. If the people around me LOVE me then they will listen and take our conversations to heart. There has been so much tragedy in my family..mental illness and suicide,mental We were very open about our personal issues at that time I also told him a lot about myself and my current problems. That is the most important element bar none. If he is ready to invite you into his home, his bed and the lives of his kids the just two years thing doesnt wash because he is in a relationship with you whether he cares to admit it or not. All of the sudden, everything changed. Thanks again Ann! It simply means that we devoted parts of our lives to other people, people we knew and loved BEFORE we even knew each other existed. That house is her power over him and you so long as he owns it. There are very likely men who dont need time and space that waiting for this guy will keep you from meeting. Having sex with you. I have been seeing a wonderful man who lost his wife 4 years ago unexpectedly. continue as a path of my life. Of course I believed him. Will you please adopt us when you get married. But before all of this, you need to decide if this is what you want. Im just glad to have come across your site. There is a statute of limitations on how long you can use the widow card to shield yourself from owning your decisions and mistakes and six years puts him well beyond this. If nothing changes, then it's best to withdraw and make yourself scarce, which gives him a chance to realize what he could be losing in the present because of his inability to let go of the past. I felt like I have so many things to get off my chest. Which I dont have a problem with. Thank you for your time and your advice:-) Im going to hope and pray for the best. We can survive on memories but it is just that . I am sorry she died in a nasty way, at the age of 40 or so, but she sounded little a bossy, bitchy, nasty demanding ct, just like her younger daughter. I understand how you feel. Because though it may be the truth, it is a card that people play when they arent sure anymore. When you initiate a conversation like this, there are multiple ways it could turn out. Dont let this setback deter you from the life you want to have again. Viral news: There's a saying that 'love is blind', and this seems to be true with two love stories from Bihar's Khagaria. So many take to the library known as the Internet in search of the elusive thing aka closure and dont ever find it, but they werent really looking for it. After getting to know each other more he decided to take a chance and open up to me. In the meantime, remember that it has nothing really to do with you. Personal items. It can be hard to interpret the signals when diving into the dating pool at an older age. Maybe he is it and maybe he isnt but youve put in two years and are you any closer to the life you see yourself living? It was okay then. She basically chucked her dad and all his stuff out of his own house. And when you do talk to him, remember that even if he isnt on the same page, it doesnt mean that all is lost. I confronted her on this and it was a trail of idks, not sures, I am trying to keep him alive. Most of all Im scared of what will come out of that chat. If you know what you want, you say so. Whatever he and his LW did is history and not a blueprint for the two of you. He treats me very well. . You see, falling in love again wasnt part of the plan. You were learning about the whole relationship boy/girl exchange, but as an adult woman, the only thing you are ever going to get from it is a big fat bruised ego. If you want a relationship, hanging around and hoping isnt going to get you there. Not bad (at least on most days). Its really up to you. My fiances remedy to this was to tell this damn girl she was renting to own by taking over this mortgage. Thank you for listening to me blabber these last few days. Its not a typical thing newlyweds experience. It makes me feel her absense is more profound than my presence. It was all still there, down to the last curler in a drawer, along with dusty fake potted plants/flowers and her certificates on the wall. I doubt I would EVER date another widower. Maybe they're just kind of happy to have someone in their life. Thats what hes doing. Kristi, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, but and this is just my opinion based on the info youve provided I think he is lying to you now. He told me that he had debts in his head that he had to reorder before we moved forward. And listen to what he has to say. Thank you for your informative website, Ann. long time ago in regards to women in general. That one has to be dominant and cancel out the other. He might say that its just a pic on FB but social media has become our de facto face to our world and what we put up there speaks loudly about us. Right now he is sleeping in her former bedroom on a futon bed. Men in love are action oriented (not any different from women really). A response isnt needed asap lol. I can see, what fiance cannot probably see, Next stage after all her proposed improvements, had this occurred, was flip it get her money out.Move up the ladder. She works in a profession where she rubs shoulders with a lot of rich, snobby, shallow people. We are in a committed relationship with each other, and he is a really nice guy and I do love him and want him in my life but this has been the hardest relationship I have ever been in, felt like a rollercoaster ride, every day was different. . I I Been dating this guy for a month and a half I decided to have sex with him now I feel he dont want me me anymore I text him he respond to my text two days later but he call and apologize for not responding to me I call he didnt answer I call from another number he answer he said I will see you later when I get back I said no he said yes I hung up Its two havent heard from him Im I moving to fast or is he not ready yet I ask to talk but got no answer what should I do. We will remain friends, but I want so much more with him. . I just feel odd when I am kissing him and I catch a glimpse of a photo of the two of them. Just because hes a grieving widower gives no man a pass at being a good man.
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